Climate Change is a Craportunity. Chevron faces an Opportastrophe.

I was thinking about how I might remain sane and non-murderous in the event that climate change turns out to be the civilization-eating, swaths-of-humanity-killing problem some are projecting it to be, and it occurred to me that one little silver lining of that scenario would be that all the uplifting hard-times bromides I’ve ever heard will finally be put to the test. If I fall down seven times, will I really benefit from standing up that eighth time, or would it actually be better to just stay down? If malnutrition doesn’t kill me, will it then make me stronger? I’m doubtful but I won’t know until it happens.

So I like to visualize the kind of person I might become in response to the worst-case scenario. On good days I imagine myself meditating cherubically on a rocky hillside while civilization dissolves into ribbons around me and I quietly weaken and die. On bad days it’s more of a Thunderdome-type thing.

Along with that I also like to think about what kind of trade I might ply in the middle of it all. Distributor-of-seeds? Horner-of-shoes? Guarder-of-food? Jellyfish Salesman? As many trusty bromides tell us, no matter how bad things get, there’s opportunity if you look for it. Or, as my favorite hip-hop artist Slug would say: when life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold.

Since finding opportunity in difficulty is going to take an increasing share of our time in the coming decades, I think it’s time we had a word for this kind of opportunity. Or should I say…


I should. A craportunity is an opportunity that comes from a crappy situation.

There are big craportunities and little ones. A little one: when you trip and fall and now you’re lying there on the ground and then you inadvertently see your lost keys under the couch. Another little craportunity: the mom who got tired of holding her baby’s stupid bottle over his eternally sucking little face and then designed a teddy bear that would hold the bottle for her so the baby could suck away all he wants while mom goes and watches Kathy Lee or whatever. The mom thought to herself: “I bet there are a lot of moms who hate holding bottles over their babies sucking little faces”, so she started selling the Teddy Bear and now she’s Rich as Croesus and has her manservant Winston do all the bottle-holding.

A big craportunity is the kind of craportunity that can only happen in the spiritual dimension: like, the problem is severe and unfixable and the only thing to do is grow spiritually in response. Stephen Hawking’s ALS was a big Craportunity. Terminal cancer is a big craportunity. And of course, to the extent that it’s unfixable, Climate Change.

As a reward for floating through this mapless ramble, I’m going to give you TWO special bonus words for free:

Bonus Word #1
OPPORTASTROPHE: when you exploit a craportunity, but then as result you get into even deeper crap.


  1. Climate Change –> Melts Arctic –> Now we can drill for oil there (CRAPORTUNITY!) –> We get the oil and burn it –> Climate Change gets worse = OPPORTASTROPHE!
  2. No Money –> Pimps –> Hoes –> Mo Money –> Mo Problems –> Mo Hoes –> Etc. –> OPPORTASTROPHE!

Bonus Word #2
STUPITUNITY: an opportunity that comes from a problem that you yourself created. This is the most shameful of all the tunities. All of the craportunity that comes from climate change will also be stupitunity of course.

-From the Sea

[EDIT: I just Googled ‘craportunity’, *after* I’d posted this, and of course it’s already been coined, because hasn’t everything, by no greater a luminary that George Lopez. I stole from George Lopez. I don’t care. It’s mine now, George.]

Posted January 21, 2011 in Random Thoughts | 7 Comments on Climate Change is a Craportunity. Chevron faces an Opportastrophe.


Post a Comment

  1. Kristen says:

    Craportunity? Beautiful art from environmental disasters:

  2. Nick B. says:

    Woah. That’s pretty cool.

  3. Kristen says:

    Yet another craportunity? Fine photographic art from decay:

  4. Nick B. says:

    Topshelf Craportunity. Makes me want to go to Detroit even more.

  5. Fishmarket says:

    Worry not Tosh. Each of us aren’t even scum on the top of the slime……

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This site is about one total amateur’s half-cocked attempts to do something about Climate Change.
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